I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
