All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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