So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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