I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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