Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
