At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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