my soul wont recognize me after tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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