you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
