i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
