im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize