After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
