Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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