We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
