Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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