You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
