She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
