i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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