Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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