Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
