I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
