I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
