I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
