she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Randomize
