today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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