Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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