It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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