By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
