i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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