There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
