sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My underwear smells like fireworks.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
