I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
