i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
