you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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