Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
