I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
wow bdsm is so cute
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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