sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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