I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
