So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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