I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
