I want you more than these girls want KFC
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm bleeding and have questions
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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