how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
