making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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