Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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