I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my shit smells like andre
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize