Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
