Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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