Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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