Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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