unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
