i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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