remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
