omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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