maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
