I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
