we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
