oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
