then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize