Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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