My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
