I can text with my tongue
babies were throwing up all over the place
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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