got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
be right there i have to get my cape
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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