Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
