a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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