I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
