We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize