I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
