yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
