I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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